Deb's Blog

November 16, 2007

Thu, 20 Dec 2007 17:22:21 GMT

I'm still in a state of total joy knowing that I'm done with treatments and that the cancer is gone. Everything is so beautiful ---full of color, tastes, and sights. Life is wonderful!! This is how it was the first time I completed chemotherapy. I know in a few days the euphoria will be gone, but not the fact that I made it, and that the Lord helped me make it. Indeed it's been an amazing journey but not one that is over. This just begins the next part and who knows what twists and turns the road of life will take next for me? But walking this path hand in hand with Jesus, who is in control of where I go, I know I'm safe. That's a peace that won't fade away. Safe journeys to all my fellow travelers.....

November 15, 2007

Thu, 20 Dec 2007 16:09:44 GMT

Oh, wonderful news. Yes, my scan is clean. No evidence of disease. Praise, praise Jesus!! No more chemo treatments. No more side effects. No more cancer. I can't tell you how great this feels. No words can. I know its just 24 hours since yesterday when I was miserable with side effects and anxiety, but to hear the words and to know that my calendar no longer has chemo days circled, makes it all so wonderful.

Thank you Jesus for being there with me. Thank you Jesus for getting me through this again. Thank you Jesus for your love and mercy and this second miracle. To have been blessed with getting through this the first time, and then to do it again. Two miracles. Wow. Thank you for everything, Jesus. Thank you that I know that you will remain with me always and that I now know you better and know that your love is limitless. I will forever be thankful.

I was told, "It's cancer" October of 2005. I was told, "It's stage 4", and that there was only a 15% chance of surviving 4 years and "You have to do chemotherapy". And then June of 2007, 2 years later , I was told again "It's cancer and you have to do more chemo". But here I am. I may be weak in body and mind, but I'm strong in faith and I'm here to tell my story. Yes, thank you Jesus. Praise your holy name.

November 14, 2007

Thu, 20 Dec 2007 15:48:51 GMT

Just one more day. I'm so anxious, I can't sit still. One more day and I get the results of the scan. Will I have to go through more treatments or change the kind of treatments or will I be declared NED (no evidence of disease)? This is big. My mind is racing with possibilities. But if I stop and calm down and search my heart I know the answer. I have faith. I believe. Jesus has heard my prayers.

November 12, 2007

Thu, 20 Dec 2007 01:07:48 GMT

Well it's over. I had the scan early this morning. As always it didn't exactly run smoothly. I got there early and the patient scheduled before me hadn't arrived yet so they started me with an iv and the usual questions about whether I'm allergic to anything etc. But then the other patient finally arrived and I had to go back to the waiting room. By then, it was time for my own appointment, but because the patient before me came late, they are running late. So there I waited with the iv already done. I'm sure for most that wouldn't be a big deal, but my only working vein is on the side of my arm, and you can't imagine how awkward it is trying to look through magazines and keep my arm with the iv turned so I don't bump it. And then of course, everything ran late. It was hours before I was done. I had infusions that took less time. It wasn't until the afternoon that I'm done. And then I have to wait 3 days to get the results. More waiting. It's hard. I know it's going to be good news. I really believe with all my heart that it's going to be good. Still it's going to be hard to wait.

I need to fill the time. My sister will be coming for a visit and normally preparing for her visit would fill my time. I would clean the house and make sure the linens were fresh in the guest bedroom and plan a big home cooked meal and other fun activities. But because I'm fatigued and have all these different side effects from chemo, I can't do any of that. If it's going to be done, it has to fall on the shoulders of my caregiver husband. Bless his heart, he is trying his best to do that for me. He's running around the house dusting, picking up, and vacuuming. Guess I'll just watch him to eat up the time until I get my scan results.

November 11, 2007

Thu, 20 Dec 2007 00:34:15 GMT

Today is Sunday. I better enjoy the weekend as much as I can because tomorrow morning I have a combined PET and CT scan scheduled. I used to be one of those who got sad toward the end of Sunday knowing that the weekend is over and that all too soon the alarm clock would be ringing to herald in another Monday and the start of the work week. Boy, I wish that was all that I had to face this upcoming week. A work week is nothing compared to scans and doctor visits and infusion treatments. I pray the scan goes smoothly without too much trouble finding a usable vein and that I can stomach the awful contrast drink... and that the scan results will be good....

November 9, 2007

Fri, 07 Dec 2007 15:23:35 GMT

I'm so tired of feeling lousy. My head hurts, my jaw hurts, I'm tired most of the time, and if I do get up to do anything, I get dizzy. I really need a break.

And my prayer is answered. My sister is coming up next week for a short visit. I'll have my scan on Monday and she'll come Thursday the day when I see the doctor with the results. It'll be nice to have her around to distract me and keep my mind off of being the big result day. I'm close with my sister so I know from the minute she arrives it'll be one long nonstop chatting session.

I don't know why I'm so anxious. Well yes, I do. But it's really not that I think I'm going to get bad news though. I honestly believe that God has been listening to my prayers and has healed me. I can feel this in my heart and know it will be good news next week. But this doesn't stop me from being anxious. I guess I'm anticipating it like a kid seeing his birthday gift all wrapped up in a beautifully ribboned box and having to wait to open it.

November 7, 2007

Fri, 07 Dec 2007 14:58:10 GMT

Another day, another topotecan headache along with sneezing, being tired, and my latest side effect of dizziness. If I sit for a while and get up, I get this intense dizzy sensation. So I stop and stand still for a minute and I'm okay to walk, but with each step, there's intense pressure on my head and then there's this throbbing which lasts for another minute. And yes, this is on top of the constant topo headache I already have. I don't like this latest symptom at all. I'm worried that I'll faint and hurt myself or stay passed out for hours. I suppose that's needless worry since I haven't so far and this dizziness happens all the time now. But still, it's just another reminder that I'm not well.

But at least, I know what is causing this new symptom. It's my low red blood count. When I stand up, my blood pressure lowers and my brain isn't getting enough oxygen so I feel dizzy. I can literally feel my heart pounding blood to my brain. I want to think I should be getting better and better each day since I'm in my last week of my last round, but with each round, it just gets harder and harder with more and more side effects. I'm so ready for this to be over with. Next week I have a scan and see the doctor for the results and what to do from there. I pray it won't be any more treatments. I really don't think I can handle any more.

November 5, 2007

Fri, 07 Dec 2007 14:32:54 GMT

It's Monday and the start of a new week. Thankfully, I don't have any treatment, scan, or doctor visits scheduled. A whole week to myself. What should I do? I'm being sarcastic here. It's not like I really have a week to do what I want to do. It would be nice to start to get ready for the holidays, but I know I won't be able. First because I still have all sorts of side effects, and secondly because of the side effects, I don't really feel much in a holiday mood. It's hard to think festive when you feel so lousy.

November 4, 2007

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 21:36:13 GMT

Yet another day's failure in trying to go back to normal. I went to church this morning and then out for an early lunch. At least I knew Sunday School would be too much. But here's another afternoon spent sleeping because I tried too soon. I've got to accept it that it's going to take time. I'm still a mess of side effects even though I'm trying to pretend otherwise. Baby steps. I need to take baby steps.

November 3, 2007

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 21:31:46 GMT

Now it's the first weekend since I'm done my last chemo treatment and I'm still hoping that all is back to normal. I went out for breakfast with my husband, but then the side effects hit me. Hard. Probably because I tried to wish it all away and start up my life again and ventured out too soon. Yesterday wore me out some, and this morning did too. I spent the entire afternoon sleeping trying to recover. That's another thing I learned about my body. It will let me know when it needs to rest. My brain may think otherwise and my heart may wish to enjoy other things, but when my body is spent, I will sleep. I can't push my body any faster than it can go. I'll get back to a normal routine in good time. For now, it should be enough that I don't have any more treatments scheduled.