Miracles and Wonders
Advice for survivors and caregivers
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Page 1
The power of prayer
Sometimes you just need to cry
Continue to Page 3
- Every cancer is different
- Statistics are just numbers
- Be prepared
- Take notes
- Keep a chemo journal
- The power of prayer
- Share the burden
- Sometimes you just need to cry
- Stay positive when you can
- Everyone knows a cancer victim and/or survivor
- Be careful on the web
- Clinical trials and research studies
- Cheap wigs and other bad advice
- Be assertive when necessary
- The importance of feeling normal
- Don't blame yourself
The power of prayer
- Never underestimate the power of prayer. If you have read through the miracles
section of this site you know that we experienced some powerful answers to our
prayers (and the prayers of others on our behalf), but the power of prayer
doesn't lie simply in the answer. By praying you acknowledge that there is
meaning and purpose in the world. You recognize that your life is not just an
endless series of doctor's appointments and treatments. In other words, prayer
gives you hope. It gives you a reason to remain optimistic even when faced with
difficult odds and unpleasant procedures. Furthermore, if you approach prayer
as a conversation with God it will allow you to express emotions and anxieties
that would otherwise remain bottled up inside. As you talk to God, you will find
that you are working out your issues, learning to accept your circumstances,
and finding strength that you did not know that you possessed.
Early in our journey, I was really feeling the weight of our problems. Without
even realizing it, I was reacting both physically and mentally as someone
carrying a great burden. Debbie's sister was visiting at the time and as she
prepared to return home, we stood together, holding hands, as she began to
pray, and with each phrase I breathed in a little deeper, stood up a little
straighter, released a little tension, and felt a little stronger. By the time we said
Amen, I felt full of strength and ready to face whatever was ahead.
Even if you don't believe in prayer, try it. At the worst, you will have a
conversation with yourself that may help you to find a peace that is already
within you, but if you pray with an open mind and open heart you may find God.
Either way, you have nothing to lose.
- When Debbie was diagnosed, I made an unconscious decision that I had to be
strong for her. That I had to focus entirely on her needs, and not even let her see
how much I was hurting too. Being a caregiver is hard work. It's emotionally
draining and physically exhausting, but I kept that to myself. I tried to be
cheerful at all times, to ignore that I was tired or sleepy, and just let her focus on
enduring her treatments and getting well. This approach seemed to work pretty
well for a while, but as weeks turned into months the strain to keep up the
charade was increasingly difficult to bear. Then a funny thing happened, Debbie
broke down in tears and when I asked what was wrong she admitted that she
hated feeling like such a burden. I was doing so much for her and looked so
exhausted, but she wasn't able to do anything for me. So, by trying to be strong
I hadn't actually hidden anything from her, I had just deprived her of the joy she
could have gotten by supporting me. I had never let her be strong in the face of
adversity, or to wipe away my tears and tell me that everything was going to be
alright. For 25 years, we had supported each other through good times and bad,
and suddenly I had turned it into a one way street. I think that this was probably
the biggest mistake I made during this time. Cancer survivors need to continue
to be nurturers, and they can learn to deal with their own feelings by helping
their loved ones deal with theirs. So as a caregiver go ahead and be strong and
do everything you can to support your survivor, but whenever they are strong
enough let them share the burden, let them feel your pain and help you cope.
Sometimes helping others can be the best medicine.
Sometimes you just need to cry
- It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that you have to keep a positive attitude,
and to look at every new development in the most favorable light so that you are
always upbeat and cheerful. There is some truth in the belief that a good attitude
can contribute to the healing process, so it's easy to want to maintain that
attitude at all times, but having cancer and going through chemotherapy is
extremely stressful. Sometimes you just need to cry. You need to feel sorry for
yourself, name your fears, and wallow in your despair. It's almost a type of
therapy that let's you release your anxieties by embracing them. You have to
recognize that maintaining a positive attitude doesn't eliminate your anxieties, it
just let's you ignore them for a while. So from time to time you need to let down
your guard and deal with your emotions, and if that means sobbing into your
pillow for 20 minutes then go ahead.
This advice is especially tough on caregivers. We think that our job is wipe away
the tears, say "don't cry", and explain all the reasons why it's going to be OK. So
just letting you cry is very hard for us. The thing we have to realize is that
sometimes our job is just to hold you and promise to be there for you no matter
what, and then let you release your emotions.
- Just because it's okay to cry occasionally, doesn't mean that you should make a
habit of it. There really is value, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, in being
optimistic. Negative emotions rob your body of energy that could otherwise be
used to fight your cancer or to withstand the side effects of your treatments.
Your body reacts to fear, anger and other stresses by releasing chemicals that
prepare you to run for your life or fight for survival. This primitive fight or flight
response sacrifices other normal bodily processes in order to devote all available
resources to dealing with an immediate threat. This means that your body will be
most effective in dealing with your disease when you are feeling happy and
contented. So seek out things that make you feel good. Continue to pursue your
hobbies when you can. Take joy in your friends and family. And believe that
there really is still good in the world. It won't just make you feel better, it can
actually help you get better.
- One of the most amazing things about dealing with cancer is that everyone you
meet has a relative with cancer or had a friend with cancer, and they want to tell
you all of the details. These stories always start out on a positive note and
sometimes can be uplifting, but a surprising amount of the time the story takes a
wrong turn and ends up providing details or outcomes that you just don't want
to hear. Impersonal statistics can be bad enough, but detailed anecdotes about
uncle Henry's last days can be more than a person should have to listen to. And
even worse is that they have no predictive value - what happened to someone
else is no indication of what will happen to you. And still worse, the bad stories
will be the one's that stick in your mind, so that over time you'll start to think
that there are never any happy endings, and that just is not true.
So the advice for survivors and caregivers is this: smile and nod but don't
actually listen, and as soon as you walk away just let that story fade away. And
the advice for everyone else: don't even tell us these stories unless there is a
positive outcome or at least some important detail that could actually be helpful.
We don't want to hear about how bad your mother's chemotherapy was, or how
your friend's breast cancer went into remission but then she died of lung cancer
three months later. If the cancer story doesn't end with "and she is still cancer
free", stick to telling us that we are in your thoughts and prayers.
- If you have access to the Internet, you can find a lot of useful information on
the web. Unfortunately, it is hidden in an almost overwhelming sea of
misinformation that ranges from simply misguided to downright fraudulent. So
stick to websites that you have a reason to trust, and don't be taken in by
outrageous claims. Some good web sites that you might consider include
- You should also ask your oncologist to suggest some authoritative sites that are
appropriate for the type of cancer that you have. Under no circumstances should
you trust a website that claims to sell a "secret cure" that is unknown by medical
science. These sites just want your money.
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