Today I was scheduled to see the nurse practitioner. They always need to check my counts before each round and ask about the side effects, etc. Mostly routine ---nothing particularly stressful ----my blood counts were fine, but still I had a meltdown.



I've only had minor physical side effects this time, but that leaves more time for me to deal with the mental side effects. And having a recurrence only makes it more of a challenge. I find that I can't help but compare this time with the first time. I'm frightened that I'll have the days of fatigue and pain. And yet, when that doesn't occur, I worry that it will at a later point or that I'll have even worse side effects or that I might have to deal with long term non-reversible effects. My imagination is in overdrive even though I try my best to be spiritually strong and trust in Jesus. Just the absence of side effects and the time that allows me to have, is a big challenge right now.



I try so hard to stay positive for friends and family, and most importantly, myself. Still, I must have been suppressing a lot of my emotions. The littlest thing set me off today. I asked the nurse about when I'll have scans done. Of course, the real question is when will I know if the chemo is working this time, or will I have to try yet another kind of chemo, and what if that doesn't work, and will I ever be totally cured of cancer? Now that's THE question. But for whatever reason, the bottling up of my emotions, the thought of not finding the right kind of chemo, or maybe the fact that I hadn't eaten for 6 hours or slept well, my body and mind were at their limits, and I started to cry right in front of the nurse ----and not just a tear, but a real crying jag. I hate that. Absolutely hate it. I want to be known as the brave patient, the strong patient, the one patient who can face it headon, a "good" patient. But it all hit me at once and I had a meltdown.



The truth is, I'm doing well --- minimal side effects and my cancer has shrunk even before the start of treatment. I should be happy. Ive been trying too hard to pretend that everything is fine. I guess this is another lesson for me. DON'T pretend and DON'T hide emotions. They build up and WILL COME OUT. Deal with emotions and turn to your caregiver and friends and family and God for additional help. Being brave doesn't mean going through it alone.