Sometimes I just need to cry. I'm going through something very emotional and crying is a way I have of releasing stress. I've always been a crier. I just wish others understood this. It should be okay to cry.

I'm still dealing with the outpouring of emotionals that I've bottled up trying too hard to stay positive and upbeat all the time. I had a little meltdown yesterday in front of the nurse and I know I'm still not quite over it today. I start the walk from the hospital parking lot to the elevators leading to oncology and to the chemo room, and start to cry. The chemo infusion isn't normally a painful process and only takes a few hours and I'm doing well, but still just the thought of having to go in for more chemo gets to me. I hate that I have to do chemo again. And it doesn't help that this is just the 2nd one and I'll have four more to do. I secretly wish that somehow I could just turn around and go back to the car and pretend I'm fine. So that's when I start to cry again.



I compose myself in the elevator, but the tears come again shortly after the nurse inserts my IV. Once I start to cry, it takes a while to stop. The nurse, however, doesn't know I was crying on the way in, so she thinks I'm in pain and that she caused it. Once I convince her that I'm not hurt, she decides I must need to talk to the counselor and is ready to have her paged. Then another nurse rushes over to see what's wrong, and they pull the privacy curtains. It was only a few tears, not really what I would even call a good cry ---it shouldn't be such a big deal, but I guess they only wanted to help me.

I tell her it's really not necessary to get the counselor. I think I'm probably blessed to be the most well looked after cancer patient in the world. Afterall, I have my husband right beside me in the chemo room holding my hand, spoke on the phone for hours to my out of state mom and sister just the night before and the day before that got a nice letter from my out of state dad, and went in to my workplace the day before that to get hugs and well wishes and prayers from all my coworkers, and I received 3 sweet emails from friends cheering me up just earlier that same day, and I'm on so many prayer chains God is probably tired of hearing about me. I think I already have all the support I need. It's just that sometimes a person needs to cry.