I'm still struggling with the physical side effects of chemo but I've been doing better emotionally this week. It's all because I'm finally at peace with dealing with this recurrence. It was so hard because I believed Jesus had cured me already. I just had to come to terms with God having a plan for all of us and that He's the one in control of that plan.

What was so hard for me was that God's plan for me involves a recurrence. I figured it must be necessary to help others and that it was something I needed to go through to write about on this website. But even so, in my selfish little mind I struggled with having to deal with a recurrence. Late last night, I awoke and couldn't get back to sleep so I prayed in the darkness and then the thought came to me that maybe it wasn't not only to help somebody else but me too. I should have remembered reading in my Bible that God works all things for good!

It blew me away thinking that my recurrence could be a blessing for me. I realized that the biggest issue I had with getting on with a normal life after having cancer the first time was the worry about having a recurrence. That was my biggest fear, and now God has made it so I'm faced with it, and you know what, it really isn't as bad as I imagined. This time with faith, I'm doing okay. My biggest worries about chemo was the fatigue and this time I don't have that, also weight gain, but so far not a pound, and I even have hair yet (it's been weeks since I started chemo and so far my hair is only thinning). The dread of going through chemo was worrying me so much, and hey, now that I'm going through it, it's not that big of a deal. When I thought of how much time I wasted fearing a recurrence instead of enjoying every second of remission, I feel ashamed. I think sometimes God has to use a sledgehammer to knock some sense into me.