Chemo Day, round 4 of 6. Not too bad as far as treatments go. The nurse drew blood yesterday with only one attempt. Hallelujah! It only bruised a little. Today it only took 2 attempts to find an usable vein and only a little bruising as well. Again, hallelujah! The vein was actually the same one used for round 3. I was totally mistaken that different veins should be used each time for treatment. I figured veins needed time to rest and recover. The nurse told me though, as long as they can insert the needle and get it to flow it's fine to use the same vein. So I'll just go with what works and maybe this can be my "lucky" vein that I can use for all my remaining treatments.

The rest of the treatment session went okay also. No glitches or anything to report. I was in at 1 pm and out by 4. I'm thinking part of the reason it went so smoothly this time, is that I'm at the point now where I just don't care. My philosophy is "whatever". Yeah, the needles are going to burn and hurt and it's going to be uncomfortable and it's going to take several attempts (stabbings) to find a vein to use and it's going to bruise, and I'm going to feel yucky right after the treatment. Nothing I can do about that but at least the treatment is working.

Yes, that's helped me a lot, knowing that it's all working. I just had a great CT scan result. I wasn't exactly sure how good it was when I first heard because when the doctor told me about about another lymph node besides the one in my pelvis that had shrunk I was more concerned about learning of this additional swollen node. But yesterday, after the practioner nurse went over my scan again with me and said they couldn't expect any more out of me than that and there was no evidence of disease. That's NED for the non-cancer crowd. But for those of us dealing with cancer, that's the best news possible. I don't think the doctors will ever say "cured" or "cancer-free". They use the more cautious and scan based conclusion of NED or maybe the words "complete response" or "remission", with the understanding that the scan just couldn't show any cancer remaining because it's too small to show on the scan, or if it is really all gone, there's always the chance of a recurrence. Once you're a cancer patient, you're always a cancer patient.

That's why it's so hard for me to be thrilled with good results or know what it all means. I tell my friends and family about how things are going and update them with the latest, but I know they want to know the bottom line and find it hard to understand how slow and cautious it all is and how I really only know about what's going to happen next and not further down the line. In going through it myself and learning of others, I've come to see where things can change and very quickly, so the doctors have to be slow and cautious and take every step as it comes. You simply can't say we'll do this and then this and you'll be fine. Cancer is like a game of chess. Stradegy and patience are key. Treatments may not work so other drugs and a new chemo regimen may have to be done. Even other types of treatments may have to happen like radiation or surgery or finding a clinical trial with treatment options.

For me, I'm lucky it's been standard so far, even with my recurrence. First, a few lymph nodes were suspiciously swollen on a CT scan. The larger one was found to be cancerous so I'm back to doing a standard 6 rounds of chemo with the same killing cancer drug as the first time I did chemo and a different drug to slow down the growth of cancer. I could have gone with the exact same 2 drugs of my original chemo 2 years ago, but I figured maybe that's how my cancer came back. Some of the cancer cells grew in a different way, so I should try something else this time to inhibit their growth. That's what makes cancer so hard. It's so much of a guessing and waiting game, and I'm the type that likes to know the whole plan and all the details, and once that's decided, I want it done and over with. But that's not how it is. I'm 2 months into chemo treatments, and my first CT scan shows it's working and as far as CT scans results go, cancer is not evident. I still need to finish all the rest of the treatments and have another scan after this round and the final 6th round, and probably do a PET scan at that point. Hopefully I'll have NED on that too, and then all that's left is the waiting part, which for me is very hard. But I have to say, this time around, I'm not getting the doubts and fear of a recurrence. I really do feel that when I'm done with the treatments this time, I'm really done. Of course, the doctors won't tell me this. The nurses won't say it. But I believe Jesus has told me this and I believe it.