I hate chemo.  Really, sincerely, honestly, with a passion.  It's getting harder and harder to go for my treatments.  I thought with as many as I've had and with the chemo sessions taking only a few hours and not having as many bad of side effects, that it should be easier this time ----and get easier as I get toward the end of the treatments, but it's only getting harder.  I'm more anxious each time. 

I couldn't sleep last night because I knew today was going to be another treatment.  I actually woke up with nausea and diarrhea which I believe are from nerves rather than actual chemo side effects of my treatment last week.  Normally the nausea goes away after a few days right after treatment, so for me to feel like this after a full week, is more than likely the newest in a ever growing list of my adversion to chemo treatments. 

It started last month, when I no longer could stand to see anything medical ---IV's, medication, hospitals.  Even if it was just on a tv show.  I would start to get a little queasy.   Now it's even the commercials.  You know the countless ones about restless leg syndrome or "enhancement" pills.  When it gets to the point of telling about possible side effects,  I get nauseous.  It's getting worse too.  I can't stand to look at my own arms.  I see bruises and veins and it makes me sick.  

I suppose I do tend to get adversions.  As a little girl, I went with my family to a fancy restaurant and I ate a huge meal which included sweet potatoes and even though I was completely full, I couldn't resist having some dessert too.  Well I threw up in the parking lot, but to this day, I can't stand sweet potatoes.  My first time having a colonoscopy, I did the liquid clear liquid diet of lemon jello, Mountain Dew etc and drank the lemon-lime flavored purging drink .  I used to love Mountain Dew, but again, to this day, I can't drink it or even Sprite or Seven-Up because that taste reminds me of that.  Anything lemon or limey.  Yuck! 

I really shouldn't be writing about this, because it's making me even more queasy, but since I started, I better finish.  So what's my point?  Well, I suppose it's just that it's hard doing chemo and I'm proud to say that I'm doing it, but it's not something that want to do and I wish I could skip it and I'm fighting every impulse to give up and using what energy I have to go in for my treatment.  But don't expect me to smile about it.  Not on the inside.  Sure I play the good cooperative patient most of the time and put on a happy face, but deep down, I hate chemo.  I also recall as a little girl, my dad taking me in for a flu shot.  I didn't want to do it and threw the biggest tantrum in the waiting room.  My dad tried to carry me in to the doctor's office, but I was crying and screaming and put out my arms and legs spread eagle style over the doorway.  It took 2 nurses in addition to my dad to get me through the door and take that flu shot.  I don't remember getting a lollipop on that visit.  Today, when I go in for yet another chemo infusion, in my mind, I'll again be that little girl kicking and screaming on the inside, but for all outward appearances, it'll just be another treatment day.  Wonder if I'll get a lollipop this time?