The last few days have been rough.  It's not only the many side effects but also the mental struggle with going to the hospital for a prolonged chemo session.  I've delevoped an adversion to anything medical or associated with my treatments.  Anything.  The sight of needles, blood, doctors etc make me anxious and nauseated.   Of course, that's easy to understand.  But even to me, it seems crazy that it's also anything with the smell or taste of lemon-lime because that's the flavor of contrast drinks and the liquid diet I was on for my surgery.  Or the taste of apple juice because that's what been's used lately for the CT scan contrast drinks.  For goodness sake, it's even the very sight of my arms, seeing the bruises and veins that make my head spin and stomach queasy.  I'm sure that this will go away after my treatments, but for now, it's a daily struggle not to be reminded of being in chemo and doing treatments and having cancer every second of the day.  

I'm in awe of those who have to do treatments for longer than this.  I'm less than 4 months into treatments again, and I'm struggling.  I so want this all to be over.  It should be easier now that I'm at the end of my treatments, but it's seems to only get harder.  I can't explain it because it doesn't make sense, but this is how it is.  Has anyone else experienced this and know why?  Praying helps, but it's still very, very hard.  Tomorrow is the big day.  The 12 hour infusion.  Wonder if it's all just anxiety over this long drawn out infusion and the possibility of another reaction that has me so uneasy?  Whatever it is, I'm going in and facing my last Carbo treatment and then one more Topo infusion next week, and it'll be over.   Yes, please Lord, let it be over.