Today is the end of my six rounds of chemo.  I went in feeling strong and brave and able to handle this one last infusion.  I was determined for once not to gripe or cry or anything other than show a happy face.  But this is how I want to be with every infusion, and with every infusion, there is always something and I fail to be the perfect happy patient.  I'm beginning to wonder if there really can be a happy cancer patient.

So what happened this time?  My blood counts were fine so I didn't need to bother with any white or red blood boosters.  The nurse even found a vein with one pick.  Well I did influence that.  The nurse always eyes up the veins on the inside of my forearm, but as far as I know, I only have one working vein for chemo --- what I call Old Faithful on the outer side of my left arm.  For at least 4 previous infusions it's worked.  So  I showed that one to her, and although she scoffed and said I couldn't use the same one that many times, she changed her mind after looking at the other choices.  So Old Faithful came through for me again. 

No,the problem started when the chemistry came back on my blood.  The nurse said I should have a potassium supplement.  I guess it only meant taking an extra pill until my level returned to normal, but I thought it would mean doing another IV bag then.  How was I supposed to know otherwise?  Last spring I spent a night at the hospital caring for my sister who had fainted partly due to dehydration and they gave her a potassium bag.  The thought of doing one more bag was impossible for me to endure. 

No matter how many patients the nurses see or how close a caregiver can be, nobody can understand how it is to do chemo until you go through it yourself.  There just comes the point where you have had it.  You can't take one more thing.  Anything, even so small it shouldn't matter in the least is too much.  It's like I'm  so filled with emotions and stress and pain that I'm like a glass filled so completely with water that I can't handle even a single drop more.  

I started to cry and said no that I would try and get more potassium naturally.  Afterall,  the only foods I found I could stand this last week have been simple meat sandwiches.  No fruits or veggies, so no wonder my potassium had gotten a bit low.  But I absolutely could not handle another bag or another 20 minutes on the IV.  I can't even look down the beverage aisle of the grocery store or see a 2 liter container without wanting to vomit because I once calculated that the amount of IV liquid meds I did during my first time with chemo was the about 2 liter's worth.   Nobody really knows that it took all my strength and will power to just walk into the infusion room today for my last treatment.  I finally understand why cancer patients will finally say no to further treatments and just let the cancer run its course. 

But I didn't have to do another bag.  Just finish up the one of Topotecan and a little more saline and I was done.  I have a perscription for potassium, but even the thought of another pill is too much.  Honestly, I'm not going to fill it.  I'll see what my level is in another 2 weeks when I see my doctor.   As far as I'm concerned I'm done with treatments.  At long last done.   I pray and hope that my PET/CT scan in another 11 days will be clean.  I can't handle any more treatments.