Miracles and Wonders
Asking Why
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DEAR LORD, WHY DID I GET A RECURRENCE?
Everyone goes through times when they question where they are and the troubles that
are happening and they wonder “Why?” It’s not just cancer patients, although, I
imagine that dealing with a major illness does quickly bring that “why” question up.
Being a Christian, I struggle with trying to not dwell on my own situations and thinking
of others more than myself. Maybe I was in such bad shape the first time around with
cancer, that I didn't have the energy or strength to question anything but now with a
recurrence, I do. I feel so guilty and selfish afterwards, but I just can't help myself in
wondering why ---“Why did I get a recurrence?”
It was exhausting spending so much energy and emotion on it but like I said I couldn't
help myself and I prayed and prayed that I would get the strength to rid myself of that
“why” question and that God would forgive me for my selfishness and lack of trust.
What I didn't expect was that He would not only do that but also give me peace.
I remember being so strong and faithful the first time with cancer, but this time I would
get depressed and cry and pity myself. Day after day, I vowed in the morning that I
would stay trustful, but by the evening I would always have those awful thoughts
wondering why I had this recurrence. Why would God allow this to happen again?
After the first time I knew I had gotten a wake up call to renew my relationship with
God, and I had spent the last year nurturing and growing that relationship. I felt I was
on the right track and all was going according to God’s Plan for me. I was shocked
with the recurrence. But in believing there was a plan for me, this recurrence is part of
that plan, and I just had to figure out how it fit into that plan. I know it should have
been enough to know that God is in control of the plan but I also needed to know why.
Knowing God is good and that all things work out for the good of those who love Him,
the only reason I could come up with was that my recurrence must be necessary to
help others. I figured it must be more material for the website. That’s good and all,
but it still didn't sit well with my selfish nature. It just seemed cruel to use me like that
and it was not what I expected from such a loving God. So that couldn't be the
answer.
Then late one evening, when I awoke from a short dream and it was all quiet, I prayed
once more about why? And while my mind was drifting back to sleep, the thought
came to me that having a recurrence wasn't to help others, but to help me! Up to then,
I thought a recurrence would be the worst thing that could happen to me.
I continued to think about how last year I was always so worried about a recurrence,
and how some days, some perfectly nice days, I dwelt so much on having a recurrence
that it robbed me of enjoying that day. So now God is helping me close this cancer
chapter once and for all by having me face my biggest fear, and to find out that
nothing, not even a recurrence, is any obstacle for God. When I’m done with chemo
this time and cancer free, I’ll be free to enjoy every moment without worry. Sounds
like a blessing, no?
Psalms 63:6-8 I lie awake at night thinking of you — of how much you have helped
me — and how I rejoice through the night beneath the protecting shadow of your
wings. I follow close behind you,, protected by your strong right arm.
Everyone goes through times when they question where they are and the troubles that
are happening and they wonder “Why?” It’s not just cancer patients, although, I
imagine that dealing with a major illness does quickly bring that “why” question up.
Being a Christian, I struggle with trying to not dwell on my own situations and thinking
of others more than myself. Maybe I was in such bad shape the first time around with
cancer, that I didn't have the energy or strength to question anything but now with a
recurrence, I do. I feel so guilty and selfish afterwards, but I just can't help myself in
wondering why ---“Why did I get a recurrence?”
It was exhausting spending so much energy and emotion on it but like I said I couldn't
help myself and I prayed and prayed that I would get the strength to rid myself of that
“why” question and that God would forgive me for my selfishness and lack of trust.
What I didn't expect was that He would not only do that but also give me peace.
I remember being so strong and faithful the first time with cancer, but this time I would
get depressed and cry and pity myself. Day after day, I vowed in the morning that I
would stay trustful, but by the evening I would always have those awful thoughts
wondering why I had this recurrence. Why would God allow this to happen again?
After the first time I knew I had gotten a wake up call to renew my relationship with
God, and I had spent the last year nurturing and growing that relationship. I felt I was
on the right track and all was going according to God’s Plan for me. I was shocked
with the recurrence. But in believing there was a plan for me, this recurrence is part of
that plan, and I just had to figure out how it fit into that plan. I know it should have
been enough to know that God is in control of the plan but I also needed to know why.
Knowing God is good and that all things work out for the good of those who love Him,
the only reason I could come up with was that my recurrence must be necessary to
help others. I figured it must be more material for the website. That’s good and all,
but it still didn't sit well with my selfish nature. It just seemed cruel to use me like that
and it was not what I expected from such a loving God. So that couldn't be the
answer.
Then late one evening, when I awoke from a short dream and it was all quiet, I prayed
once more about why? And while my mind was drifting back to sleep, the thought
came to me that having a recurrence wasn't to help others, but to help me! Up to then,
I thought a recurrence would be the worst thing that could happen to me.
I continued to think about how last year I was always so worried about a recurrence,
and how some days, some perfectly nice days, I dwelt so much on having a recurrence
that it robbed me of enjoying that day. So now God is helping me close this cancer
chapter once and for all by having me face my biggest fear, and to find out that
nothing, not even a recurrence, is any obstacle for God. When I’m done with chemo
this time and cancer free, I’ll be free to enjoy every moment without worry. Sounds
like a blessing, no?
Psalms 63:6-8 I lie awake at night thinking of you — of how much you have helped
me — and how I rejoice through the night beneath the protecting shadow of your
wings. I follow close behind you,, protected by your strong right arm.