Miracles and Wonders
The battle never ends
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
I keep hoping that one morning I'll wake up and I’ll think back on having cancer and it
will all be a distant memory. It’s been 10 months since I’m cancer free, but I've yet to
think of it as being over and done. I’m beginning to wonder if the battle is ever over.
Every month is filled with blood tests, doctor appointments or scans. It's exhausting
and stressful and even depressing at times. I've learned to deal with it through faith. I
trust that this is all part of the Lord's plan for me and I just have to stay brave and get
though it. That's how I managed to get through chemo, but in truth, I'm finding it
almost as hard to get through the part after chemo. I was scheduled for 6 rounds of
chemo so I knew eventually I would be done with the treatments. I could count down
the days and mark the calendar for day when it would end; but now that all the
treatments are over and they seemed to have worked, I no longer have an end date.
There really is no final closure. I'm going to be on a constant lookout for a recurrence
for the rest of my life. That’s a hard thing to come to terms with.
I've been told that worry disappears when you praise the Lord and count your
blessings. It is true, but I still have to remind myself to do this throughout the day. I
may be fine for a while, but eventually my overactive mind will go back to the worry,
particularly on the days leading up to a scan or doctor appointment. It’s hard and I
often wonder how someone could possibly do this without faith. All I know is that my
trust in Jesus is the only thing that helps me on this emotional roller coaster.
I wonder if this makes sense to the normal healthy person. I suppose that only
someone else who has gone through this can truly understand the huge daily mental
struggle that goes on. I live from one blood test to the next. If my reading goes down,
I’m elated and life is wonderful and there is joy everywhere. If my reading goes up, I
sulk and my mind spirals out of control. Has my cancer come back? If not, then what
caused my reading to go up? The doctor says any infection can throw it off so was it
because I had a cold last week or because of that paper cut yesterday, etc., etc. Once
you start your fight against cancer, nothing health related is ever small or insignificant.
I know it’s silly when I stop to really think about it, but I guess it can’t be helped.
So what is the answer? I sure wish I knew. I’m still relatively new to this whole
remission/cancer free part of dealing with cancer. Maybe after enough time and years
have passed, things will return to normal and I won’t feel like I’m fighting an emotional
battle every day. Or maybe this is what it’s like to survive a major disease. You
become more aware of how fragile and special life is so you constantly struggle to
accept the possibility of losing it. Or maybe this battle is simply life at it’s most basic
and beautiful - as long as you keep trying you can never truly lose.
will all be a distant memory. It’s been 10 months since I’m cancer free, but I've yet to
think of it as being over and done. I’m beginning to wonder if the battle is ever over.
Every month is filled with blood tests, doctor appointments or scans. It's exhausting
and stressful and even depressing at times. I've learned to deal with it through faith. I
trust that this is all part of the Lord's plan for me and I just have to stay brave and get
though it. That's how I managed to get through chemo, but in truth, I'm finding it
almost as hard to get through the part after chemo. I was scheduled for 6 rounds of
chemo so I knew eventually I would be done with the treatments. I could count down
the days and mark the calendar for day when it would end; but now that all the
treatments are over and they seemed to have worked, I no longer have an end date.
There really is no final closure. I'm going to be on a constant lookout for a recurrence
for the rest of my life. That’s a hard thing to come to terms with.
I've been told that worry disappears when you praise the Lord and count your
blessings. It is true, but I still have to remind myself to do this throughout the day. I
may be fine for a while, but eventually my overactive mind will go back to the worry,
particularly on the days leading up to a scan or doctor appointment. It’s hard and I
often wonder how someone could possibly do this without faith. All I know is that my
trust in Jesus is the only thing that helps me on this emotional roller coaster.
I wonder if this makes sense to the normal healthy person. I suppose that only
someone else who has gone through this can truly understand the huge daily mental
struggle that goes on. I live from one blood test to the next. If my reading goes down,
I’m elated and life is wonderful and there is joy everywhere. If my reading goes up, I
sulk and my mind spirals out of control. Has my cancer come back? If not, then what
caused my reading to go up? The doctor says any infection can throw it off so was it
because I had a cold last week or because of that paper cut yesterday, etc., etc. Once
you start your fight against cancer, nothing health related is ever small or insignificant.
I know it’s silly when I stop to really think about it, but I guess it can’t be helped.
So what is the answer? I sure wish I knew. I’m still relatively new to this whole
remission/cancer free part of dealing with cancer. Maybe after enough time and years
have passed, things will return to normal and I won’t feel like I’m fighting an emotional
battle every day. Or maybe this is what it’s like to survive a major disease. You
become more aware of how fragile and special life is so you constantly struggle to
accept the possibility of losing it. Or maybe this battle is simply life at it’s most basic
and beautiful - as long as you keep trying you can never truly lose.