Miracles and Wonders
You had cancer, now what?
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So you hear the words, “You’re in remission”, “Your scan is clean”, or “You are
cancer free”. That’s wonderful news, but then what? Everyone (including yourself)
expects you to go back to normal, for everything to be the same as before, but it’s not.
Everything has changed, and the truth is, nothing will be like it was before. You have
changed and your world has changed. Forever! It’s a scary concept and one that I’m
only beginning to come to terms.
Quickly summarizing, I had a hysterectomy and tumor debulking surgery followed by
chemotherapy sessions every 3 weeks for about 6 months (a total of seven) as
treatment for my stage IV ovarian cancer. At that point, I received the joyous news
that I was in remission and had clean scans (CT and PET). That was 6 months ago
and I’m thankfully still doing fine. It’s coming up on the big one year anniversary of
being diagnosed and I find myself reflecting back on everything and what it’s been like
for me these last 6 months.
I’m finding that it’s not simply a matter of going on with your life like nothing has
happened, although you will find that the world expects you to do just that. It’s still a
struggle. A struggle for me to deal with my “wanting” to have everything like it was
before and the realization that I’m still recovering, and the bigger struggle that the world
doesn’t understand why it's a struggle at all. Of course, you and your caregiver and
immediate family and close friends know about this struggle, but your workplace and
everyone else won’t have a clue.
For me, I found that I could handle most daily activities if I slowed down just a little
and took more time for breaks and didn’t take on any really strenuous activities. I
would feel stronger and a little bit better every day and think that “Hey, I’m doing fine
and will be back to full strength in the matter of a couple more weeks”. But then
normal life happens. You have company coming over or have to work more hours or
are invited to weddings, graduations, etc or even go on vacation. Yes, it's just your
normal life but surprisingly it hits you smack in the face and lets you know that your
body is still recovering from “having cancer”. You may look normal and your may be
spirit willing to handle all that life throws at you, but the sad reality of it is, you can’t.
Or at least I couldn’t. I’m amazed to find that others were blessed with not having
severe side effects from their chemo treatments and they could continue to work and
do normal activites even during treatment. I couldn’t. So I guess I shouldn’t expect
for my adjustment period to be any different or easier.
I found that throwing in any stress or extra activity or losing a little sleep shuts down
my body and I revert back to what it was like during my chemo treatments when my
body would try to get over the chemicals coursing through my body. Yes, for me, my
body would handle the havoc of chemo by shutting down. I would get fatigued and
sleep for 14 hours or have an enormous appetite and eat, eat, eat, and my emotions
would be on the surface and I would cry over anything that went wrong. It’s like my
body is screaming out that it has to rest and replenish. So when I overdo, I sleep more
and eat a lot and get emotional and frustrated knowing that I’m not back to being
normal. I didn’t notice this right away, but after so many weeks of this, I see a
pattern. At first I would think I was tired and just slept in late, or that I sure could use
a nap and was surprised when it was 3 hours later. Or I would think that I was just
craving some sugar or was in a snacking mood when I would eat a huge dinner and
continue to snack on everything else in the house. But I know now, I’m still recovering
and still battling with having had cancer. Any extra stress like a hard day at work
requires a day or two to get over. My body is weaker and life isn’t “back to normal”
and I shouldn’t expect it to be after going through so much. It’s going to take time to
regain my strength and I need to give myself permission to do that.
Of course the world needs to give me permission too. I find that family and friends and
my boss may not be aware that I’m getting tired or even think of the possibility that
regular activities can be tiring for me. And how can I blame them when I struggle with
it myself. I really do have this constant battle that I “want” to do everything and be
everything to everyone after “surviving” cancer. I figure, I’ve done the hard part and
this next stage should be easy!! But it isn’t. This “after cancer” part really is just
another stage of going through cancer. I have to admit that it’s going to take time.
Everything “has” changed since being diagnosed with cancer. I may be cancer free but
I’m “always” going to be a “cancer survivor” and I have to live with all that entails.
The frequent follow up doctor appointments, the fear in the back of my mind about a
recurrence, the world not understanding what it was like hearing the words “you have
cancer” and doing the treatments and the continuing struggle for my body to recover
afterward are all things I have to live with now. Family, friends, and faith in Jesus keep
me going, but it is a daily struggle. Every morning I thank Jesus for healing me and His
mercy and grace in my salvation, and I now see the beauty and wonder in the little
things of daily living. A cool breeze on a hot August day, the sweet smell of flowers in
bloom, watching the squirrels play in the backyard, family and friends who care, and
just living.
I’m sure that others have written and shared their experiences “after the cancer”, but I
for one didn’t have a clue as to what it was like. Most of the attention is put on going
through and coping with the treatments, but I faced the “after” part of cancer totally in
the dark, blindly and ignorantly not knowing that there would be any adjustment
necessary. Everyone’s cancer is different and I suppose so is everyone’s after-cancer
experience as well. I’m hoping that sharing what it was like for me may prepare others
for what it could be like or at least give some thought to the fact that there will be a
time of adjustment necessary to be back functioning in the normal world. It’s been 6
months since I’m done with my treatments and I’m still struggling and adjusting, but
with Jesus by my side, I’ll get through this too.
cancer free”. That’s wonderful news, but then what? Everyone (including yourself)
expects you to go back to normal, for everything to be the same as before, but it’s not.
Everything has changed, and the truth is, nothing will be like it was before. You have
changed and your world has changed. Forever! It’s a scary concept and one that I’m
only beginning to come to terms.
Quickly summarizing, I had a hysterectomy and tumor debulking surgery followed by
chemotherapy sessions every 3 weeks for about 6 months (a total of seven) as
treatment for my stage IV ovarian cancer. At that point, I received the joyous news
that I was in remission and had clean scans (CT and PET). That was 6 months ago
and I’m thankfully still doing fine. It’s coming up on the big one year anniversary of
being diagnosed and I find myself reflecting back on everything and what it’s been like
for me these last 6 months.
I’m finding that it’s not simply a matter of going on with your life like nothing has
happened, although you will find that the world expects you to do just that. It’s still a
struggle. A struggle for me to deal with my “wanting” to have everything like it was
before and the realization that I’m still recovering, and the bigger struggle that the world
doesn’t understand why it's a struggle at all. Of course, you and your caregiver and
immediate family and close friends know about this struggle, but your workplace and
everyone else won’t have a clue.
For me, I found that I could handle most daily activities if I slowed down just a little
and took more time for breaks and didn’t take on any really strenuous activities. I
would feel stronger and a little bit better every day and think that “Hey, I’m doing fine
and will be back to full strength in the matter of a couple more weeks”. But then
normal life happens. You have company coming over or have to work more hours or
are invited to weddings, graduations, etc or even go on vacation. Yes, it's just your
normal life but surprisingly it hits you smack in the face and lets you know that your
body is still recovering from “having cancer”. You may look normal and your may be
spirit willing to handle all that life throws at you, but the sad reality of it is, you can’t.
Or at least I couldn’t. I’m amazed to find that others were blessed with not having
severe side effects from their chemo treatments and they could continue to work and
do normal activites even during treatment. I couldn’t. So I guess I shouldn’t expect
for my adjustment period to be any different or easier.
I found that throwing in any stress or extra activity or losing a little sleep shuts down
my body and I revert back to what it was like during my chemo treatments when my
body would try to get over the chemicals coursing through my body. Yes, for me, my
body would handle the havoc of chemo by shutting down. I would get fatigued and
sleep for 14 hours or have an enormous appetite and eat, eat, eat, and my emotions
would be on the surface and I would cry over anything that went wrong. It’s like my
body is screaming out that it has to rest and replenish. So when I overdo, I sleep more
and eat a lot and get emotional and frustrated knowing that I’m not back to being
normal. I didn’t notice this right away, but after so many weeks of this, I see a
pattern. At first I would think I was tired and just slept in late, or that I sure could use
a nap and was surprised when it was 3 hours later. Or I would think that I was just
craving some sugar or was in a snacking mood when I would eat a huge dinner and
continue to snack on everything else in the house. But I know now, I’m still recovering
and still battling with having had cancer. Any extra stress like a hard day at work
requires a day or two to get over. My body is weaker and life isn’t “back to normal”
and I shouldn’t expect it to be after going through so much. It’s going to take time to
regain my strength and I need to give myself permission to do that.
Of course the world needs to give me permission too. I find that family and friends and
my boss may not be aware that I’m getting tired or even think of the possibility that
regular activities can be tiring for me. And how can I blame them when I struggle with
it myself. I really do have this constant battle that I “want” to do everything and be
everything to everyone after “surviving” cancer. I figure, I’ve done the hard part and
this next stage should be easy!! But it isn’t. This “after cancer” part really is just
another stage of going through cancer. I have to admit that it’s going to take time.
Everything “has” changed since being diagnosed with cancer. I may be cancer free but
I’m “always” going to be a “cancer survivor” and I have to live with all that entails.
The frequent follow up doctor appointments, the fear in the back of my mind about a
recurrence, the world not understanding what it was like hearing the words “you have
cancer” and doing the treatments and the continuing struggle for my body to recover
afterward are all things I have to live with now. Family, friends, and faith in Jesus keep
me going, but it is a daily struggle. Every morning I thank Jesus for healing me and His
mercy and grace in my salvation, and I now see the beauty and wonder in the little
things of daily living. A cool breeze on a hot August day, the sweet smell of flowers in
bloom, watching the squirrels play in the backyard, family and friends who care, and
just living.
I’m sure that others have written and shared their experiences “after the cancer”, but I
for one didn’t have a clue as to what it was like. Most of the attention is put on going
through and coping with the treatments, but I faced the “after” part of cancer totally in
the dark, blindly and ignorantly not knowing that there would be any adjustment
necessary. Everyone’s cancer is different and I suppose so is everyone’s after-cancer
experience as well. I’m hoping that sharing what it was like for me may prepare others
for what it could be like or at least give some thought to the fact that there will be a
time of adjustment necessary to be back functioning in the normal world. It’s been 6
months since I’m done with my treatments and I’m still struggling and adjusting, but
with Jesus by my side, I’ll get through this too.