Miracles and Wonders
Preparing for survivor island
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Okay, so it’s happened to me. My biggest fear. I’ve got a recurrence of cancer. But
strangely enough, it’s not the end of the world like I feared it would be. I thought I
would faint and fall into uncontrollable sobbing when I received the news. But that
didn’t happen. This time around I’m handling it more head on and with determination.
Each day I seem to focus on one part of the experience to come to terms, mentally and
physically. The first day I struggled with having to go through chemo again, the next
day the struggle was with deciding which chemo treatment is best this time followed
with anger and bitterness with why I had a recurrence, then it was how I’m going to
deal with going back to a normal life after even more chemo, and finally the biggest
issue of all ------whether this chemo was going to work this time. But unlike the first
time, when all my fears swirled around in my head hourly and I faced them all not
knowing anything about what it was really going to be like ----this time I do know.
And I can prepare myself, mentally, physically, and spiritually.
So that’s how it feels ... like I’m preparing to get ready for a stay on Survivor’s Island.
It’s totally different from the first time. After you’ve gone through the whole “surgery,
chemo, post treatment attempt to get back to normal” thing the first time, you no longer
have all the unknowns. You know pretty much exactly how it’s going to be.
So here I am, awaiting the treatment schedule to be set up for a Phase II study of a
different type of chemo, which I expect to start sometime in the next week. I have a
few precious days to do everything I need to get done before I’m too fatigued and sick
and in pain to do anything. That’s what it was for me the first time I went through my
chemo treatments, so I’m expected it to be the same this time too. So what does one
do to prepare?
Well, I like to think I’m still one of those superwomen who takes care of everything ---
family, house, and work. Which means you have to be organized and the ultimate
manager. I look at this as taking a long but dreaded vacation, which means get time off
from work and packing. So I’ve arranged for medical sick leave and have spent a
couple of afternoons shopping to pick up lots of pj’s and slippers and comfy socks for
the next 4 ½ months of staying at home mostly in bed. More than half the time I was
too tired to move until the 2nd week of each 3 week dose of chemo, and even then, I
stayed indoors away from the general public fearing I would catch something with my
depleted white blood count and it would mean a setback.
That’s what your friends and other well wishers don’t know or understand ---all the
extra little things that need to be done on a daily basis to get through each round of
chemo to make it to the next. For me, it meant daily ½ hour fluoride treatments for my
teeth, daily showers which were exhausting, constant washing of hands, careful
handling of all foods, and elimination of any potential foods that might contain germs. I
couldn’t eat any foods from a buffet, no sushi, no eggs cooked over easy, and all meat
had to be well done. This time I’m going on a newer 2nd line chemo drug that interacts
with tumeric, so that means no mustard or curry either. Since I love sushi and Chinese
food especially on a buffet, even this is hard for me. I’m trying to get my fill now of all
my favorite dishes which I’ll have to wait to enjoy again after treatment. Yesterday, I
ate an entire appetizer tray and a plate of sushi myself ---every bit of it, and I’m sure
that all the waitresses were watching because it looked like (and actually was like) I
was eating my last meal. I just wanted to savor it, knowing it’s going to be a while,
I also find myself wanting to get upcoming birthday presents for friends and family, to
schedule lunches out with my girlfriends, and anything else to tie up loose ends for the
next few months. Do any projects, clean up the house, write letters, make phone calls,
do a weekend trip, just anything I can possibly think of that needs to be done
beforehand. That’s what makes me feel like I’m preparing for Survivor’s Island. I
imagine they have to do pretty much the same thing before playing on that reality game
show in some isolated exotic location. Just wish my location for the next few months
was more exotic than my own bedroom. But the ultimate goal is the same ---to become
a survivor!
And I know I will survive. Like the survivor contestants there will be a struggle, day to
day, just to get by, but ultimately just like on the show, I will be there in the end and be
crowned the ultimate survivor. I’m starting out this time so far ahead of where I
started the first time. Physically, I won’t have to deal with a major surgery before my
treatments and I only have one small area of recurrent cancer. But spiritually, I’m
ready to face anything this time---anything! Not only am I armed with knowledge of
this whole chemo process but most importantly I will have God by my side from the
very beginning. Last time I was scared and just fearful of every little step and turn until
I came to Jesus for help. My friends, family, and husband can see what a difference
this makes. Yes, I had thought a recurrence would be so much harder to deal with, and
it may very well be, except for knowing that Jesus is right here with me every step of
the way and I can always turn to Him. That’s how I can organize and prepare for this
second leg of my cancer journey. I have the peace of knowing that everything is going
to be fine as long as I face it with Jesus.
strangely enough, it’s not the end of the world like I feared it would be. I thought I
would faint and fall into uncontrollable sobbing when I received the news. But that
didn’t happen. This time around I’m handling it more head on and with determination.
Each day I seem to focus on one part of the experience to come to terms, mentally and
physically. The first day I struggled with having to go through chemo again, the next
day the struggle was with deciding which chemo treatment is best this time followed
with anger and bitterness with why I had a recurrence, then it was how I’m going to
deal with going back to a normal life after even more chemo, and finally the biggest
issue of all ------whether this chemo was going to work this time. But unlike the first
time, when all my fears swirled around in my head hourly and I faced them all not
knowing anything about what it was really going to be like ----this time I do know.
And I can prepare myself, mentally, physically, and spiritually.
So that’s how it feels ... like I’m preparing to get ready for a stay on Survivor’s Island.
It’s totally different from the first time. After you’ve gone through the whole “surgery,
chemo, post treatment attempt to get back to normal” thing the first time, you no longer
have all the unknowns. You know pretty much exactly how it’s going to be.
So here I am, awaiting the treatment schedule to be set up for a Phase II study of a
different type of chemo, which I expect to start sometime in the next week. I have a
few precious days to do everything I need to get done before I’m too fatigued and sick
and in pain to do anything. That’s what it was for me the first time I went through my
chemo treatments, so I’m expected it to be the same this time too. So what does one
do to prepare?
Well, I like to think I’m still one of those superwomen who takes care of everything ---
family, house, and work. Which means you have to be organized and the ultimate
manager. I look at this as taking a long but dreaded vacation, which means get time off
from work and packing. So I’ve arranged for medical sick leave and have spent a
couple of afternoons shopping to pick up lots of pj’s and slippers and comfy socks for
the next 4 ½ months of staying at home mostly in bed. More than half the time I was
too tired to move until the 2nd week of each 3 week dose of chemo, and even then, I
stayed indoors away from the general public fearing I would catch something with my
depleted white blood count and it would mean a setback.
That’s what your friends and other well wishers don’t know or understand ---all the
extra little things that need to be done on a daily basis to get through each round of
chemo to make it to the next. For me, it meant daily ½ hour fluoride treatments for my
teeth, daily showers which were exhausting, constant washing of hands, careful
handling of all foods, and elimination of any potential foods that might contain germs. I
couldn’t eat any foods from a buffet, no sushi, no eggs cooked over easy, and all meat
had to be well done. This time I’m going on a newer 2nd line chemo drug that interacts
with tumeric, so that means no mustard or curry either. Since I love sushi and Chinese
food especially on a buffet, even this is hard for me. I’m trying to get my fill now of all
my favorite dishes which I’ll have to wait to enjoy again after treatment. Yesterday, I
ate an entire appetizer tray and a plate of sushi myself ---every bit of it, and I’m sure
that all the waitresses were watching because it looked like (and actually was like) I
was eating my last meal. I just wanted to savor it, knowing it’s going to be a while,
I also find myself wanting to get upcoming birthday presents for friends and family, to
schedule lunches out with my girlfriends, and anything else to tie up loose ends for the
next few months. Do any projects, clean up the house, write letters, make phone calls,
do a weekend trip, just anything I can possibly think of that needs to be done
beforehand. That’s what makes me feel like I’m preparing for Survivor’s Island. I
imagine they have to do pretty much the same thing before playing on that reality game
show in some isolated exotic location. Just wish my location for the next few months
was more exotic than my own bedroom. But the ultimate goal is the same ---to become
a survivor!
And I know I will survive. Like the survivor contestants there will be a struggle, day to
day, just to get by, but ultimately just like on the show, I will be there in the end and be
crowned the ultimate survivor. I’m starting out this time so far ahead of where I
started the first time. Physically, I won’t have to deal with a major surgery before my
treatments and I only have one small area of recurrent cancer. But spiritually, I’m
ready to face anything this time---anything! Not only am I armed with knowledge of
this whole chemo process but most importantly I will have God by my side from the
very beginning. Last time I was scared and just fearful of every little step and turn until
I came to Jesus for help. My friends, family, and husband can see what a difference
this makes. Yes, I had thought a recurrence would be so much harder to deal with, and
it may very well be, except for knowing that Jesus is right here with me every step of
the way and I can always turn to Him. That’s how I can organize and prepare for this
second leg of my cancer journey. I have the peace of knowing that everything is going
to be fine as long as I face it with Jesus.