Miracles and Wonders
Surviving cancer, Part II - emotional
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How does a person “live” with cancer? I wish there was a guide or "how to" book for
this. I know everyone says to “live each day to the fullest,” “stay strong,” “be
positive,” etc, but the truth is, that is really hard to do!
I've never experienced an emotional roller coaster like this before. I’m blessed to say
that I've made it past the one year mark in my “survivorship”. I've had a complete
response to my chemotherapy treatments, I’m in complete remission, and my latest
scans still show no evidence of cancer (my diagnosis was stage IV ovarian cancer).
I thought at this point I would be totally back to my regular daily routine. My life
would be normal and this whole cancer business would be just a memory. I imagined
that every day would be so joyful and happy. Well and it was for a while. For two
weeks or so I was deliriously happy, but now with time, the euphoria has gone and I
find life is stressful again. I basically live from one doctor appointment to the next in
order to prove that I’m still okay.
Sure I knew that I would have more frequent doctor visits, but now a doctor visit is no
longer just routine in my mind. Days and even weeks before the visit, I find my mind
thinking about it and fixating on the test results. Before each visit, there’s a blood test I
have to have done to monitor the cancer antigen in my blood (CA 125). A rise could
indicate a recurrence. Unfortunately the area of the hospital where I go for the blood
work is the same one that I went to for the chemo treatments. It’s a frightening
reminder each time of exactly what a recurrence would mean for me ----starting chemo
treatments again, all of the nasty side effects, and possibly death.
So yes, I find that my life is measured in two month increments living from one
appointment to the next. My latest visits have resulted in increased CA levels. Not by
much and still within the normal range, but still rising and a source of mental stress.
I've heard from other cancer survivors that their levels rise and fall and yet they remain
cancer free. This is something I didn't know about or expect ----that my CA level
would fluctuate. I thought it would remain relatively constant and would only go up
should my cancer return. I guess it may fluctuate more like blood pressure or
cholesterol. The CA is only an indicator and not a definitive diagnoses of a recurrence.
But can you imagine the mental stress this causes? I had no idea how hard life was
going to be “after having cancer”.
I suppose in time I will learn to cope with the stress and anxiety of the fear of a
recurrence, but for now, each day is a challenge. Reminders are everywhere. I’ll see
an article in the newspaper or hear a story on TV or I'll think about one of my many
friends who are fighting their cancers. Even just looking in the mirror to see the slow
growth of my hair is a daily reminder.
Just as I fought and survived this last year to become cancer free, I will continue to
fight and survive. Surviving WILL NOT be a challenge that I can’t handle. It helps to
know I’m not alone. Millions are living daily with this same fear. Millions have found a
way to cope. Millions are surviving. For me, the greatest help has been my faith.
During my treatments, I renewed by relationship with Jesus, and I still find strength
though my faith on a daily basis. I know that each day the Lord WILL give me the
strength to face my fears and overcome them.
this. I know everyone says to “live each day to the fullest,” “stay strong,” “be
positive,” etc, but the truth is, that is really hard to do!
I've never experienced an emotional roller coaster like this before. I’m blessed to say
that I've made it past the one year mark in my “survivorship”. I've had a complete
response to my chemotherapy treatments, I’m in complete remission, and my latest
scans still show no evidence of cancer (my diagnosis was stage IV ovarian cancer).
I thought at this point I would be totally back to my regular daily routine. My life
would be normal and this whole cancer business would be just a memory. I imagined
that every day would be so joyful and happy. Well and it was for a while. For two
weeks or so I was deliriously happy, but now with time, the euphoria has gone and I
find life is stressful again. I basically live from one doctor appointment to the next in
order to prove that I’m still okay.
Sure I knew that I would have more frequent doctor visits, but now a doctor visit is no
longer just routine in my mind. Days and even weeks before the visit, I find my mind
thinking about it and fixating on the test results. Before each visit, there’s a blood test I
have to have done to monitor the cancer antigen in my blood (CA 125). A rise could
indicate a recurrence. Unfortunately the area of the hospital where I go for the blood
work is the same one that I went to for the chemo treatments. It’s a frightening
reminder each time of exactly what a recurrence would mean for me ----starting chemo
treatments again, all of the nasty side effects, and possibly death.
So yes, I find that my life is measured in two month increments living from one
appointment to the next. My latest visits have resulted in increased CA levels. Not by
much and still within the normal range, but still rising and a source of mental stress.
I've heard from other cancer survivors that their levels rise and fall and yet they remain
cancer free. This is something I didn't know about or expect ----that my CA level
would fluctuate. I thought it would remain relatively constant and would only go up
should my cancer return. I guess it may fluctuate more like blood pressure or
cholesterol. The CA is only an indicator and not a definitive diagnoses of a recurrence.
But can you imagine the mental stress this causes? I had no idea how hard life was
going to be “after having cancer”.
I suppose in time I will learn to cope with the stress and anxiety of the fear of a
recurrence, but for now, each day is a challenge. Reminders are everywhere. I’ll see
an article in the newspaper or hear a story on TV or I'll think about one of my many
friends who are fighting their cancers. Even just looking in the mirror to see the slow
growth of my hair is a daily reminder.
Just as I fought and survived this last year to become cancer free, I will continue to
fight and survive. Surviving WILL NOT be a challenge that I can’t handle. It helps to
know I’m not alone. Millions are living daily with this same fear. Millions have found a
way to cope. Millions are surviving. For me, the greatest help has been my faith.
During my treatments, I renewed by relationship with Jesus, and I still find strength
though my faith on a daily basis. I know that each day the Lord WILL give me the
strength to face my fears and overcome them.