Miracles and Wonders
One year as a survivor
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Along with millions of others I have a new title ---- cancer survivor. It’s a title I never
would have wanted for myself, but now after earning it, I’m very proud to have it. I’m
proud that I found the strength to endure the treatments and the courage to face each
new day after the treatments had ended. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been a hard fought
battle and truthfully I don’t think it ever really ends. Anyone who tells you otherwise is
just trying to downplay it for you and paint an imaginary rosy picture. But it’s okay
that it is hard and just keeps on going. Life is a challenge from the day you are born,
and life after being diagnosed with cancer is just “more” of a challenge. The good news
is that you’ll have help along the way. That’s what gets me through it ---the strength
and courage from my friends and family, the care and support of caregivers, doctors
and medical personnel, and most importantly to me, a renewed faith in God. I don’t
believe that anyone survives cancer alone.
October 2006 marked my first year of survival. I’m still struggling daily with the
physical and psychological aftermath of my battle with cancer. The fatigue, the weight
gain, manic and depressive moods, slow hair growth, doctor appointments, and the
constant fear of a recurrence. It’s hard to describe or explain. There are so many
emotions that occur all at the same time and change throughout the day. It’s hard, but
I've come a long way during this past year. I find it incredible that it’s been only one
year since my diagnosis. One year? To me, it seems like a lifetime ago. In many ways
it “was” a lifetime ago. There is a sharp division between my former life before cancer
and my new life now, after cancer. I can vividly recall every step of this journey and all
the changes, but in reflecting back over it all, it seems like a dream. There’s been so
many changes that I find it hard to even recall what it was like “before” although I
strive every day to do what I remember as my former life. My husband who’s been
my biggest supporter and source of strength points out that it’s impossible for me to go
back to my former life. He tells me that I can’t go back in time physically because I am
a year older and that I’m selectively remembering what it was like before cancer. He’s
right. It’s like someone fondly recalling only the “good” times. I think of the woman I
was last year, and it's almost like she had superpowers. She never got tired or moody,
never had any minor aches and pains, and she had the most beautiful long flowing hair,
but for some reason my husband doesn't remember her.
Maybe with more time under my belt as a survivor, I won’t struggle so to return to my
former life or what I think of as my former life. I suppose this first year anniversary
will be the hardest. I find myself each day remembering that one year ago was when
my doctor told me the news, one year ago was the surgery, one year ago my first
chemo treatment. Yes, it’s all still so vivid in my mind like it was last week, but then
again, like I said, it’s a lifetime ago. Strange that it can all be like yesterday and many
years ago at the same time. It’s hard to explain. But here I am. I survived and am
stronger for it all and have learned a lot and am still learning to deal with it all. I’m
learning to savor small mundane things like running an errand, going out for lunch, or
even walking to my mailbox to get my mail. Normal everyday things that we all do
daily without thinking twice about it, but these are things I couldn’t do while doing my
treatments because of the fatigue and a depleted immune system. So, yes, I’m learning
that it’s okay to ease up and take life more slowly. I was missing out on a lot of good
things by rushing all the time. Maybe I shouldn’t want to go back to my former life at
all.
would have wanted for myself, but now after earning it, I’m very proud to have it. I’m
proud that I found the strength to endure the treatments and the courage to face each
new day after the treatments had ended. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been a hard fought
battle and truthfully I don’t think it ever really ends. Anyone who tells you otherwise is
just trying to downplay it for you and paint an imaginary rosy picture. But it’s okay
that it is hard and just keeps on going. Life is a challenge from the day you are born,
and life after being diagnosed with cancer is just “more” of a challenge. The good news
is that you’ll have help along the way. That’s what gets me through it ---the strength
and courage from my friends and family, the care and support of caregivers, doctors
and medical personnel, and most importantly to me, a renewed faith in God. I don’t
believe that anyone survives cancer alone.
October 2006 marked my first year of survival. I’m still struggling daily with the
physical and psychological aftermath of my battle with cancer. The fatigue, the weight
gain, manic and depressive moods, slow hair growth, doctor appointments, and the
constant fear of a recurrence. It’s hard to describe or explain. There are so many
emotions that occur all at the same time and change throughout the day. It’s hard, but
I've come a long way during this past year. I find it incredible that it’s been only one
year since my diagnosis. One year? To me, it seems like a lifetime ago. In many ways
it “was” a lifetime ago. There is a sharp division between my former life before cancer
and my new life now, after cancer. I can vividly recall every step of this journey and all
the changes, but in reflecting back over it all, it seems like a dream. There’s been so
many changes that I find it hard to even recall what it was like “before” although I
strive every day to do what I remember as my former life. My husband who’s been
my biggest supporter and source of strength points out that it’s impossible for me to go
back to my former life. He tells me that I can’t go back in time physically because I am
a year older and that I’m selectively remembering what it was like before cancer. He’s
right. It’s like someone fondly recalling only the “good” times. I think of the woman I
was last year, and it's almost like she had superpowers. She never got tired or moody,
never had any minor aches and pains, and she had the most beautiful long flowing hair,
but for some reason my husband doesn't remember her.
Maybe with more time under my belt as a survivor, I won’t struggle so to return to my
former life or what I think of as my former life. I suppose this first year anniversary
will be the hardest. I find myself each day remembering that one year ago was when
my doctor told me the news, one year ago was the surgery, one year ago my first
chemo treatment. Yes, it’s all still so vivid in my mind like it was last week, but then
again, like I said, it’s a lifetime ago. Strange that it can all be like yesterday and many
years ago at the same time. It’s hard to explain. But here I am. I survived and am
stronger for it all and have learned a lot and am still learning to deal with it all. I’m
learning to savor small mundane things like running an errand, going out for lunch, or
even walking to my mailbox to get my mail. Normal everyday things that we all do
daily without thinking twice about it, but these are things I couldn’t do while doing my
treatments because of the fatigue and a depleted immune system. So, yes, I’m learning
that it’s okay to ease up and take life more slowly. I was missing out on a lot of good
things by rushing all the time. Maybe I shouldn’t want to go back to my former life at
all.